Still on course :-)

Wow, I'm impressed -- here I am writing only two days since I last wrote.   Has a lot to do with the Labor Day weekend coming and few client emails -- most people have VACATION and TIME OFF to be with family and friends.  I end up feeling guilty when I resent the demands of the workplace -- I SHOULD be happy I have a job, right?  Right?  Right, I guess.   I just feel the call to be more creative, spend the days I can doing the things I really want to do and NOT be so confined by a job and the daily 9 - 5.  Yuck.   Okay - off to work, lunch is over!   (I just don't know how to be other than the person I am. . . for good or bad.)

New 'School' Year. . . .

So, another 3 months have passed. . . . June spent mostly in Omaha; July busy with visiting family, and a lot of August 're-charging' my batteries and or driving to Fond du Lac.  No wonder I feel as though my summer came and went way too quickly.   I guess I need to embrace fall since Labor Day is only a few days away.  And maybe I should embrace it like I did in my initial career as a teacher.  The one thing I loved about teaching was the 'new beginning' that each new school year brought. No matter how disappointing the previous year was, the summer gave me time to clear the cobwebs, re-charge the batteries and generate enthusiasm for another new group of students.   I need that 're-charge' more now than ever.  With the latest reminder that 'some things never change' and with the escalating frustration level it just doesn't make sense to keep hitting my head on the VEE walls.   Thank goodness I have some terrific clients. . . . I suppose they represent the terrific students I would have in the past.   In both cases, the personal connection is what keeps me going; what re-charges my batteries.  

That means, that September 4th begins my NEW YEAR. . . and fun for me to see the connection to my all-time favorite number 4!!  I feel like I've wasted August, but it's such a 'down' month.  Most people are on vacation or not feeling the urgency that will come after Labor Day.   I just need to transfer that 'urgency' and 'energy' to my OWN needs and not necessary the needs of this job.  Time to move on and create the next step in my life. :-)

Me again!

Okay. . . . still trying to re-boot with minimal success.  Some days are okay, especially since I am feeling committed to making a change.   Just don't know what that change will be. . . wish I had a vision but until I have an 'ending' it makes sense that the future is unclear.  When I was younger I thought I'd have my act together by now, but the older I get the more I realize that very few people are comfortable with what their life has been and are still unsettle about where life is taking us.  Is that a 'Boomer Curse'??   Hey -- is that a title of a book?  Funny how things like that strike me -- think I should pay more attention to my 'thoughts.'   Mrs. Lang (Creative Writing at MV) was the one who initially commented on recording and writing down thoughts --- making sense of things can come later (if at all.) Ah. . . the creative process.  Need to find ways to re-charge that in myself. 

Lack of success. . . .

I certainly thought I would post more often than I do.   I feel like I'm not being successful in most areas of my life at the moment. . . work, home, family, friends. . . . so 'extensions' like a blog are victim of the 'dull' routine I'm in.    I almost feel paralyzed. . . . not able to do things that are easy to do (emails for work; de-cluttering at home) and don't know why.   Looking back I've always gone through periods like this so I shouldn't be surprised, yet somehow I am.  I guess I want to feel I can overcome this lethargy by sheer will power.  Not so easy!   What's the cause?  Winter? (typically I can assume this, but we've had such a mild winter this year that I can't blame cold & snow)  I am feeling ineffective at work -- I think that has more to do with the fact that I've done this job for over ten years and the 'thrill' is gone.  Don't know how to re-kindle it, but the thought of a new job at my age is a bit too much to fathom.  I fantasize about having free time and flexibility but will I have the financial wherewithall to do the things I want to if I'm no longer working?!?!?   Catch 22.   I need to re-boot my life.  

Never enough time. . . or is it never enough ambition?

Whew. . . what a week!   I feel like I've been through the wringer and wonder if it will ever stop!!   Is it life  or is it me?  Do I just not have the coping mechanisms to handle the ups and downs of life?   I need to remember to not sweat the small stuff. . . and that it is all small stuff.   Hang in there -- it's a new week on Monday, and it can only be better!!!

Okay. . . I can't promise that I will be successful blogging, but one never knows if one doesn't try.  As a woman of the Baby Boomer generation, I try hard to stay on top of technology --- at times more successful than others.  And I worry that if I let my guard down, I will fall behind and NEVER catch up.  I accept that I will never be a technological wizard nor that I will ever understand 'how' it all works. (Similar to my knowledge of the inner workings of a car: I know how to drive and my car works as long as I do routine maintenance and fill it with gas, but I have no understanding of what makes it work!!) 

I have always loved 'words' -- I like to talk, I like to write, I love to read.   Words are my favorite thing in the world.   As a young child my grandpa would say he'd give me a nickel (in the 50's that was a lot of money) if I could be quiet for five minutes.   Are you surprised to hear that I never earned a nickel??  As I grew, I was a faithful diary writer -- oh, how I wish I had those diaries now. . . . I wonder what happened to them?  As an adult I have started lots of journals, but for some reason I don't understand, I have never been able to sustain one over a long period.  I am hoping that blogging will be different -- that this will become a special way I can express myself. . . whether or not anyone ever reads this.   I want to do this for me.  

Doing things just for me has never been easy.   Is it the 'middle child' syndrome where I want to keep everyone happy?  Is it the age in which I grew up?  How much did my family of origin have to do with this and/or is it the nature of women in general to 'caretake' others before we take care of ourselves.   As with so many things in life, it is probably a combination of all the above.   So, at this time in my life (61 years old) I want to make sure I start taking care of myself, doing things that make me happy (without harming anyone else) so that I don't ever look back on my life with regret.

Since words are important to me, when possible I'd like to end my post with a quote.  

                " Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened!"  Cary Grant


Love, BonBon